Time Passes and Things Change
As time passes, I notice differences in myself. Ten years ago, I was in treatment for my illnesses after an enormous breakdown that left me unable to care for myself. I didn't feel human anymore, and I didn't know how to be human again.
I spent over a year in a residential program. I lived in an apartment with a room mate and attended daily group therapy. I attended a group where we learned how to fix things like door hinges and lamps, and also how to refinish furniture, which was the majority of our time. I went to art therapy, money management class, and a meditation class among many others. We had a weekly goals group and a Friday night social activity where we had dinner, watched movies, and played board games and sang karaoke.
My time there taught me what it meant to be a person again and how to take care of myself. When I left I had to learn how those skills translated to daily life. I think that was the hardest part. I started working again and making friends, including one that I helped through a breakdown almost as bad as the one I had recently gone through. He made it and has been one of the best friends I've ever had in my life.
It took me a long time to be where I wanted to be, and where I had a little self confidence. Six years after my breakdown I finally got married. He's been amazing, and I have learned what it means to be successful. I love myself and am confident in my abilities.
I have recently completed two degrees. It's the first time in my life I have actually finished something, and it has made me more confident and sure of myself. I am working full-time in a job I enjoy, and look forward to going to work.
I am having personal success for the first time in my life. I am happier than I've ever been before, and I have goals of things I want to do in the next few years.
I want to learn languages. I want to take a photography class. I want to learn how to work a sewing machine. I want to make chemo caps and donate them to the local cancer center or children's hospital. I want to write a book. I want to travel to a few different local places. I want to go home to the Midwest for Christmas with my mom and stepdad, and hopefully my brother and his family.
I have the ability to do these things for the first time. I can take classes with my husband. I can take classes on my own. I love my life and the things that make me who I am. I'm happier than I've ever been.
However, I've also never felt more empty. I survived what I went through because I wanted a family. I wanted a good husband and children. Ever since I was four years old and my mom was pregnant with my brother the only thing I've ever truly wanted for myself, more than anything else, is a child of my own.
I have the husband. He will be an amazing father. I am successful and have a good life with my wonderful husband. I just turned 33 years old, and I have no children or any immediate practical circumstances to be able to raise a child. My husband will be in school for two and a half more years. We will not be able to have children until he's done. My window is closing and I cannot have any children in the near future.
I feel so empty.
The realities of pregnancy are not good for me. I have to take some seriously heavy medication that could cause severe birth defects. I will not be able to take the medications that keep me healthy while I'm pregnant. I will not be able to breastfeed, which was always important to me. I will likely only get one shot at this, so if I have more than one child, it will have to be more than one at once.
I've waited so long, and I have to wait even longer. It hurts and feels lonely. I love and cherish my husband, but I want more. He is scared of fatherhood, and I told him that if he wasn't I'd be concerned. For someone to understand the seriousness of raising children, it should make them nervous.
Time passes and things change. Changes are usually good, but even good changes can be hard to deal with. The things we want most are sometimes not things we can have, and sometimes the things we want most are bad for us. I believe that one day my dream will come true. Right now all I can do is wait and prepare. I'll prepare myself and my life. I'll knit baby booties, hats, and blankets. I'll make sure that I have enough of me to offer a child as well as a lot of love to go around. I love my husband and my life. I will prepare the way with love for myself, and my husband, while I wait for my children to arrive.
I spent over a year in a residential program. I lived in an apartment with a room mate and attended daily group therapy. I attended a group where we learned how to fix things like door hinges and lamps, and also how to refinish furniture, which was the majority of our time. I went to art therapy, money management class, and a meditation class among many others. We had a weekly goals group and a Friday night social activity where we had dinner, watched movies, and played board games and sang karaoke.
My time there taught me what it meant to be a person again and how to take care of myself. When I left I had to learn how those skills translated to daily life. I think that was the hardest part. I started working again and making friends, including one that I helped through a breakdown almost as bad as the one I had recently gone through. He made it and has been one of the best friends I've ever had in my life.
It took me a long time to be where I wanted to be, and where I had a little self confidence. Six years after my breakdown I finally got married. He's been amazing, and I have learned what it means to be successful. I love myself and am confident in my abilities.
I have recently completed two degrees. It's the first time in my life I have actually finished something, and it has made me more confident and sure of myself. I am working full-time in a job I enjoy, and look forward to going to work.
I am having personal success for the first time in my life. I am happier than I've ever been before, and I have goals of things I want to do in the next few years.
I want to learn languages. I want to take a photography class. I want to learn how to work a sewing machine. I want to make chemo caps and donate them to the local cancer center or children's hospital. I want to write a book. I want to travel to a few different local places. I want to go home to the Midwest for Christmas with my mom and stepdad, and hopefully my brother and his family.
I have the ability to do these things for the first time. I can take classes with my husband. I can take classes on my own. I love my life and the things that make me who I am. I'm happier than I've ever been.
However, I've also never felt more empty. I survived what I went through because I wanted a family. I wanted a good husband and children. Ever since I was four years old and my mom was pregnant with my brother the only thing I've ever truly wanted for myself, more than anything else, is a child of my own.
I have the husband. He will be an amazing father. I am successful and have a good life with my wonderful husband. I just turned 33 years old, and I have no children or any immediate practical circumstances to be able to raise a child. My husband will be in school for two and a half more years. We will not be able to have children until he's done. My window is closing and I cannot have any children in the near future.
I feel so empty.
The realities of pregnancy are not good for me. I have to take some seriously heavy medication that could cause severe birth defects. I will not be able to take the medications that keep me healthy while I'm pregnant. I will not be able to breastfeed, which was always important to me. I will likely only get one shot at this, so if I have more than one child, it will have to be more than one at once.
I've waited so long, and I have to wait even longer. It hurts and feels lonely. I love and cherish my husband, but I want more. He is scared of fatherhood, and I told him that if he wasn't I'd be concerned. For someone to understand the seriousness of raising children, it should make them nervous.
Time passes and things change. Changes are usually good, but even good changes can be hard to deal with. The things we want most are sometimes not things we can have, and sometimes the things we want most are bad for us. I believe that one day my dream will come true. Right now all I can do is wait and prepare. I'll prepare myself and my life. I'll knit baby booties, hats, and blankets. I'll make sure that I have enough of me to offer a child as well as a lot of love to go around. I love my husband and my life. I will prepare the way with love for myself, and my husband, while I wait for my children to arrive.
Photo Credit: Family by arztsamui
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