Faith and Morality
As this year came to a close, I looked back to see several defining events in my life, with others being covered in future blog posts.
Probably the most significant event for me in the last year was my decision not to return to the church I belong to. I am a member of the Mormon church and watched over the years as the prejudice against those that fall under the LGBTQA spectrum became more apparent. The one issue I have always disagreed with them on is the belief that anything other than heterosexuality or the binary gender identity is wrong. They expect members to lie to themselves and others about who they really are to maintain good graces in the sight of God. The messed up part is that the church says being gay is fine, but having a homosexual relationship or even "impure thoughts" is wrong.
For seven years I tried to make excuses, though my attendance wavered, going for months at a time without attending church. It was difficult to be part of something that I felt was in the wrong. The difficulty remains that I believe in everything else the church teaches, but I cannot stand with them in this matter. It's wrong to treat people this way.
The problem is that my entire extended family, with the exception of my parents and brother, are members of the Mormon church, and on both sides of my family the membership goes back seven generations to the time of Joseph Smith, the man who founded the church. My leaving will be considered by some of them to be a family tragedy because of the circumstances of my baptism. My parents were the only ones to leave the church in each of their families, and at 26 years old I decided to get baptized. It was met with intense celebration and I received gifts from family members I hadn't talked to in years.
I've told one family member that I will not be returning to church and it will spread soon. I'll have to answer questions and it will break my grandparents' hearts, but I've been hiding it and making excuses as to my nonattendance for a long time. It will be good not to feel the need to hide it anymore.
For the last six months or so I have been exploring the music and movies and books I used to like and gave up when I joined the Mormon church. They have a lot of conservative standards for movies, music, books, and television shows that are appropriate. It limited my reading choices to young adult books and many of the movies I have loved for a long time were cut from my collection. I donated a lot of books to charity organizations and gave away a lot of my CDs. Some of it I missed and some of it I didn't.
Much to my surprise, I found it was almost uncomfortable to enjoy those things again. I felt as though I was being judged and would be berated for liking the things I've always liked and denied myself for a long time. It took me a while before I was comfortable with it, but I've begun to collect music I've missed, including several Marilyn Manson albums, several Nine Inch Nails albums, a couple of Korn albums, and a Slipknot album. I started reading books for grown ups again, and watching movies that wouldn't be acceptable for various reasons.
I have enjoyed being myself again, and find that I'm happier. I'm discovering a lot of things I didn't remember I liked and enjoying the things I missed. It's affected much more than just my music, movie, book, and television tastes, making me more comfortable in other areas of my life.
It saddens me that this change will upset my family, but I wouldn't be happy forcing myself to be part of something I disagreed with so strongly. My husband is by my side, keeping his promise to neither encourage nor discourage my church attendance, as are my mom, brother, and sister-in-law. I am glad to know I have their support and that they understand why I made this decision. It was a complicated and difficult one with many factors involved, but I know I made the right choice.
Probably the most significant event for me in the last year was my decision not to return to the church I belong to. I am a member of the Mormon church and watched over the years as the prejudice against those that fall under the LGBTQA spectrum became more apparent. The one issue I have always disagreed with them on is the belief that anything other than heterosexuality or the binary gender identity is wrong. They expect members to lie to themselves and others about who they really are to maintain good graces in the sight of God. The messed up part is that the church says being gay is fine, but having a homosexual relationship or even "impure thoughts" is wrong.
For seven years I tried to make excuses, though my attendance wavered, going for months at a time without attending church. It was difficult to be part of something that I felt was in the wrong. The difficulty remains that I believe in everything else the church teaches, but I cannot stand with them in this matter. It's wrong to treat people this way.
The problem is that my entire extended family, with the exception of my parents and brother, are members of the Mormon church, and on both sides of my family the membership goes back seven generations to the time of Joseph Smith, the man who founded the church. My leaving will be considered by some of them to be a family tragedy because of the circumstances of my baptism. My parents were the only ones to leave the church in each of their families, and at 26 years old I decided to get baptized. It was met with intense celebration and I received gifts from family members I hadn't talked to in years.
I've told one family member that I will not be returning to church and it will spread soon. I'll have to answer questions and it will break my grandparents' hearts, but I've been hiding it and making excuses as to my nonattendance for a long time. It will be good not to feel the need to hide it anymore.
For the last six months or so I have been exploring the music and movies and books I used to like and gave up when I joined the Mormon church. They have a lot of conservative standards for movies, music, books, and television shows that are appropriate. It limited my reading choices to young adult books and many of the movies I have loved for a long time were cut from my collection. I donated a lot of books to charity organizations and gave away a lot of my CDs. Some of it I missed and some of it I didn't.
Much to my surprise, I found it was almost uncomfortable to enjoy those things again. I felt as though I was being judged and would be berated for liking the things I've always liked and denied myself for a long time. It took me a while before I was comfortable with it, but I've begun to collect music I've missed, including several Marilyn Manson albums, several Nine Inch Nails albums, a couple of Korn albums, and a Slipknot album. I started reading books for grown ups again, and watching movies that wouldn't be acceptable for various reasons.
I have enjoyed being myself again, and find that I'm happier. I'm discovering a lot of things I didn't remember I liked and enjoying the things I missed. It's affected much more than just my music, movie, book, and television tastes, making me more comfortable in other areas of my life.
It saddens me that this change will upset my family, but I wouldn't be happy forcing myself to be part of something I disagreed with so strongly. My husband is by my side, keeping his promise to neither encourage nor discourage my church attendance, as are my mom, brother, and sister-in-law. I am glad to know I have their support and that they understand why I made this decision. It was a complicated and difficult one with many factors involved, but I know I made the right choice.
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