Absent, But Not Lost
It feels like it's been ages since I've posted, and I was shocked to find the number of hits on this blog is at its highest since I started it a decade ago. In the last three months, most of the hits have been from Asia. For those faithfully reading my older posts, I thank you.
Life for me of late has been quite a struggle. With my new diagnoses of FND, abnormal movement type, and ADHD, inattentive type, I have had more difficulty adjusting than I ever imagined.
There has been a lot of anger because it took forty years to get my ADHD diagnosis, and so many difficulties in my life since childhood now make so much sense. What I thought were personal failings and beat myself up for are actually normal for someone with ADHD. It all makes so much sense now. I'm learning more about the disorder and a little about how to cope with it.
Another source of my anger has been over my functional neurological disorder (FND) diagnosis. It likely stems from the abuse I suffered as a child at the hands of my own father. I also have a diagnosis of PTSD from the abuse. Now, I cannot walk around my house without a walker, and I use a wheelchair outside the house because I'm a serious fall risk. A new addition to my home is an adjustable bed, one where the head and foot of the bed raise and lower. It has helped a lot with my mobility issues, provides a safe place when I have paralysis episodes, and it eases the intense back pain I suffer from.
I'm adjusting, but I'm angry because it took twenty-five years to get the FND diagnosis when I've been displaying symptoms for that long. I'm also angry because the person responsible for the abuse that led to my developing PTSD and likely the FND had no consequences other than the end of all contact between us. My younger sister, who also suffered at his hands, shut him out of her life as well.
Even through this, I am adjusting. I'm beginning to understand my limitations and how to listen to my body. I'm fine-tuning my ADHD medication with my psychiatrist, which has been an absolute miracle even when it needs adjustment.
Life has been smoothing out.
Then, a couple of months ago, I realized I don't know who I am. I haven't felt like me for twenty years, and I really wasn't sure how to sort that out.
The last time I felt like me was before I had my initial breakdown and diagnosis of bipolar II disorder. As I tried to remember who I was then, I had to imagine my life, the things I enjoyed, the way I dressed, and the way I liked to decorate my surroundings.
For twenty years, I've dressed in floral patterns, pastels, and everything popular in plus size fashion. But it doesn't match who I am.
When I was twenty, I liked to play with different fabrics, layering them in unique ways. My style was a combination of goth, the remnants of 90s hippie fashion in the early 2000s, and mainstream popular styles. I would pair a plaid skirt from a department store with fishnet stockings and platform, knee-high, lace-up boots. Fashionable tops accessorized with chains, spiked leather collars, tattoo collars, and spiked leather bracelets. It was so much fun to combine fashions, creating something uniquely me, and I miss it.
I love deep colors and dark trim like black and gray. Not pastels, not much white. I like some macabre decorations like skeletons, uniquely decorated skulls, and other items that would normally be confined to Halloween. Dragons, fairies, pegasus, and other mythological creatures are amazing. Cats, so many cats. Celestial imagery, like the moon and stars. Nature, like the beach and forest. And plants in my home. Lots and lots of plants.
My husband is very excited about these changes coming up in our home, though they will happen a little at a time. I plan to save up to purchase decorations and clothes for myself in the weeks before Halloween with images like skulls and black cats. I think resale shops will be my best bet for finding great pieces for my wardrobe. And, of course, I will be knitting and crocheting items to add to my wardrobe. I've already begun that process.
The only issue with the home decor ideas is that my cat will eat any plant she can reach, and probably ones we don't think she could possibly get toーcats are strangely agile. Therefore, any plants inside will need to be artificial.
I am incredibly excited to begin this journey. This feels like me, the real me. My husband is delighted to see the Katie deep inside coming to the surface for the first time since we met. My mother and sister are as well.
Overall, good things and difficult things have been happening over the four months I've been absent. I'm hoping to pick back up where I left off and have fun with it.
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