Knocked Off My Feet

Trauma therapy is hell. At least for me.

Therefore, my mind and life have been in chaos for the last couple of months. I've had periods, anywhere from an hour or two up to twelve or even eighteen hours, with my fight or flight activated, leading me to feel as though I am in danger. It's like my body is preparing for an attack it believes will come at any moment.

Photo by IanZA

These periods are absolute hell. I can't do anything but curl into a ball and wait—unless I remember to check my coping skills list. I have a sticky note on my desktop listing the five most helpful things to do, and they usually pull me out of that fearful state.

• Check my pill box for possible missed medication
• Get a drink
• Eat something, even just a snack
• Make coffee or tea
• Put essential oils in the diffuser
• Turn on nature sounds, color noise, or my new dopamine playlist on Spotify

Usually, getting out of bed and actively doing something will yank me out of the fearful state, and other things on the list help to ease my anxiety. There is a much larger list as well, printed and posted to the fridge, and the document is linked to a shortcut on my desktop.

I have found that feeding the needs of my ADHD is one of the best ways to halt the fear and anxiety. Thus the caffeine, color noise, and new playlist. 

The dopamine playlist is a wide variety of music, the only connection among them being a hard beat and a narrow range of tempo. I have music from a huge variety of artists: Britney Spears to Led Zeppelin. Sticking in my earbuds that block noise and playing this music loud makes my nervous system happy. Instead of curling into a ball and rocking while I wait to be attacked, I'm smiling and rocking to the beat.

There is a link to my Spotify in the menu to the left on the home page, and there you can find my Drop the Dopamine Beat playlist to listen to if you wish. There are some artists included that have been in controversies of late, and my listening to their music is not in any way endorsing any behaviors described in the accusations. I only included the songs that make my brain happy as a way to cope with my diagnoses.

All of this is part of life for me right now as I continue with EMDR treatment for my C-PTSD. EMDR is eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, and it's a very effective treatment for C-PTSD. I'm happy to be doing this, but it's destabilizing for my mental health—something I've been experiencing intensely.

Another issue, more than my periods of intense fear, is that my sleep has become worse than it's ever been. I'm lucky to sleep every other night, often going for forty to sixty hours without sleep at least once a week. I have to just take my meds on time and hope I fall asleep. I cannot lay down and settle in bed to sleep because that is my biggest trigger for my PTSD and it turns into instant panic. I've just made sure my bed and pillows are arranged so if I fall asleep, I will be safe and comfortable.

The only way I can sleep is to wait for my brain to suddenly decide it's time to sleep, and I will fall asleep in the middle of doing something. When I wake up, I don't remember being sleepy—it's just suddenly hours later than when I last looked at the clock. Sometimes three or four hours, and sometimes eighteen or twenty.

This is causing a lot of problems for me, such as cognitive issues, memory problems, dizziness, and increased weakness. My psychiatrist has recommended CBD to help me relax for sleep, but I've rediscovered a proprietary blend of essential oils that is able to relax me to an incredible degree. I have actually slept four days in a row, and I'm starting to feel a lot better.

The blend is by DōTerra, an MLM I will only order from and not join, called Peace. I ran out months ago, but I have a roller bottle of it and applied it to the center of my chest the last four nights. This oil blend smells so good to me, and a whiff of the oil lets me exhale out my stress and actually relax. I'm going to try this before CBD and just ordered a new vial. Their Balance blend is also a great help for my anxiety and mania.

I'm just hoping this will work and I can get more sleep. This kind of sleeplessness damages the brain and interrupts all aspects of life. I'm able to function normally even approaching sixty hours without sleep, which is not normal. It's concerning that I have this ability, and I wish I could sleep. Right now, that is my biggest wish for my daily life.

Here's hoping for rest and recovery through sleeping daily.