Insomnia, Mania, and the Desire for Fluffy Pillows
That drugged feeling you get after weeks of severe sleep deprivation. The shuffling through the day trying not to collapse in the middle of the sidewalk. The walking-dead feeling that starts about 4 a.m. on a night entirely without sleep. The days when your body just gives out and you can't stay awake more than 5 minutes at a time for 8 hours after 15 hours of sleep. And the sleepless night that follows after so much sleep. The cycle of sleep deprivation that occurs when you also have bipolar 1: you get tired from sleeping badly, so the brain compensates by increasing mania. Then the mania adds to the bad sleep, and the brain compensates with more mania. This cycle repeats with exponential increases in mania and ends in exponentially less sleep until it's only 4 hours or less a night for a week, and then the body gives out. Completely nonfunctional for 3.5 days.
I've tried so many medications to help me sleep. For a long time I was on fast-acting Seroquel for the mania, which had heavy sedating properties. After several years, I couldn't take a large enough dose to successfully treat the mania because the sedation was too much. Yet I was dependent on the Seroquel to sleep: if I missed a dose I wouldn't sleep for between 30 and 40 hours. Then they gave me extended release Seroquel, which has very little sedation and produced a lack of sleep, but controlled the mania better. But now, how do I sleep?
My problem is mostly with falling asleep, and some with staying asleep. Especially with a cat that likes to wake us up at 3 a.m. for belly rubbins, just because she wants them. Squirt bottles are wonderful training tools.
So, because I can't fall asleep, I end up studying a lot, which is good for the grade point average but not the overall health of my body. I am showing signs of aging many years earlier than my relatives. My maternal grandfather didn't start looking his age until he was 65 years old. My mother didn't start looking her age until she was 48. I'm getting wrinkles and grey hair, and I'm 32 years old. The wrinkles are only under my eyes, not surprisingly. The grey hair I didn't discover until a couple of months ago, when I found some that extended the entire length of my 2-foot-long braid. That means they've been there for over a year. Fortunately, they're on the back of my head, around the middle, and there's only a few.
I've been prescribed several medications to help me sleep, and they've either not worked or had serious side effects. I tried Ambien, and it made me insanely angry for no reason. I already have PTSD, and adding to the rages is not recommended. Then they gave me mirtazipine, which worked really well, until I started blacking out. Several doctors told me it sounded like I was having absence seizures, but they couldn't prove it because it wasn't due to a physical cause. They're not the convulsing kind of seizures, but I would tense up and have a blank look on my face, followed by a whole lot of memory loss. So, they took me off the medication, and hoped I could sleep better while they tried to come up with a better plan. I didn't sleep better. Next they tried Lunesta, which helped me stay asleep though the sleep was not restful, and did not help me fall asleep despite the fact that I was supposed to take it as I was getting into bed. Being stuck laying in bed for two hours without sleeping was not fun. So we stopped the Lunesta. Now I'm taking Sonata, which is working pretty well so far, though it's been just since Friday, three days ago.
However, these sleep medications, including the Sonata I'm taking now, can't be a permanent solution to my sleep issues. We have discovered that treating my bipolar disorder, the mania specifically, does not help my sleep issues. But when I am able to sleep regularly, my bipolar disorder becomes stable. That discovery combined with the fact that I don't ever get an actual "good night of sleep" and haven't in almost a decade brings some concern.
As a minor miracle, I've discovered a lovely tea made by Celestial Seasonings, called Sleepytime Extra. It makes me tired enough to lay down and usually fall asleep, but does not keep me asleep. It's hilarious that the one thing that makes me tired is Valerian root, but it only works about 70% of the time. I tried melanin, which worked well but it made me into a zombie that fell asleep at the wheel regularly. The last time I took the melanin, I fell asleep while driving 65 miles an hour down the highway and woke up 6 inches from someone's bumper, still at 65 miles an hour. I quit taking it after that. But, Valerian root. That's just funny. However, I have to be careful because Valerian root interacts with many medications so I have to consult with my pharmacist with each new medication.
Meanwhile, my psychiatrist is trying to get me referred for a sleep study to find out if there is a physical problem that can be fixed. If there is, it could be a turning point in my life. Right now my life is ruled by insomnia, stumbling around in a fog that increases day by day until I feel like the walking dead. I study when I can, sleep when I'm able, and miss classes on the days when my body gives out completely because it's impossible for me to stay awake.
So here I am at 1:45 a.m. writing a blog post instead of sleeping, because the Valerian root is not working well tonight. Fortunately, I don't have any classes tomorrow, and can sleep in some. However, for me sleeping in refers only to the time on the clock and not on the number of hours spent sleeping. Getting up at 11:30 a.m. doesn't feel much like "sleeping in" when you don't fall asleep until 6 a.m.
I propose a toast: here's to a good night of sleep, and the hope that I can get one soon. I shall raise my mug of Sleepytime Extra tea, and daydream of sleeping in a big, soft bed with a big downy blanket and lots of pillows.
I've tried so many medications to help me sleep. For a long time I was on fast-acting Seroquel for the mania, which had heavy sedating properties. After several years, I couldn't take a large enough dose to successfully treat the mania because the sedation was too much. Yet I was dependent on the Seroquel to sleep: if I missed a dose I wouldn't sleep for between 30 and 40 hours. Then they gave me extended release Seroquel, which has very little sedation and produced a lack of sleep, but controlled the mania better. But now, how do I sleep?
My problem is mostly with falling asleep, and some with staying asleep. Especially with a cat that likes to wake us up at 3 a.m. for belly rubbins, just because she wants them. Squirt bottles are wonderful training tools.
So, because I can't fall asleep, I end up studying a lot, which is good for the grade point average but not the overall health of my body. I am showing signs of aging many years earlier than my relatives. My maternal grandfather didn't start looking his age until he was 65 years old. My mother didn't start looking her age until she was 48. I'm getting wrinkles and grey hair, and I'm 32 years old. The wrinkles are only under my eyes, not surprisingly. The grey hair I didn't discover until a couple of months ago, when I found some that extended the entire length of my 2-foot-long braid. That means they've been there for over a year. Fortunately, they're on the back of my head, around the middle, and there's only a few.
I've been prescribed several medications to help me sleep, and they've either not worked or had serious side effects. I tried Ambien, and it made me insanely angry for no reason. I already have PTSD, and adding to the rages is not recommended. Then they gave me mirtazipine, which worked really well, until I started blacking out. Several doctors told me it sounded like I was having absence seizures, but they couldn't prove it because it wasn't due to a physical cause. They're not the convulsing kind of seizures, but I would tense up and have a blank look on my face, followed by a whole lot of memory loss. So, they took me off the medication, and hoped I could sleep better while they tried to come up with a better plan. I didn't sleep better. Next they tried Lunesta, which helped me stay asleep though the sleep was not restful, and did not help me fall asleep despite the fact that I was supposed to take it as I was getting into bed. Being stuck laying in bed for two hours without sleeping was not fun. So we stopped the Lunesta. Now I'm taking Sonata, which is working pretty well so far, though it's been just since Friday, three days ago.
However, these sleep medications, including the Sonata I'm taking now, can't be a permanent solution to my sleep issues. We have discovered that treating my bipolar disorder, the mania specifically, does not help my sleep issues. But when I am able to sleep regularly, my bipolar disorder becomes stable. That discovery combined with the fact that I don't ever get an actual "good night of sleep" and haven't in almost a decade brings some concern.
As a minor miracle, I've discovered a lovely tea made by Celestial Seasonings, called Sleepytime Extra. It makes me tired enough to lay down and usually fall asleep, but does not keep me asleep. It's hilarious that the one thing that makes me tired is Valerian root, but it only works about 70% of the time. I tried melanin, which worked well but it made me into a zombie that fell asleep at the wheel regularly. The last time I took the melanin, I fell asleep while driving 65 miles an hour down the highway and woke up 6 inches from someone's bumper, still at 65 miles an hour. I quit taking it after that. But, Valerian root. That's just funny. However, I have to be careful because Valerian root interacts with many medications so I have to consult with my pharmacist with each new medication.
So here I am at 1:45 a.m. writing a blog post instead of sleeping, because the Valerian root is not working well tonight. Fortunately, I don't have any classes tomorrow, and can sleep in some. However, for me sleeping in refers only to the time on the clock and not on the number of hours spent sleeping. Getting up at 11:30 a.m. doesn't feel much like "sleeping in" when you don't fall asleep until 6 a.m.
I propose a toast: here's to a good night of sleep, and the hope that I can get one soon. I shall raise my mug of Sleepytime Extra tea, and daydream of sleeping in a big, soft bed with a big downy blanket and lots of pillows.
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