New Year, New Beginnings
The new year always begins the craze for better health and ending of negative habits. So many people vow to eat better, exercise, stop smoking, go back to school, or do any number of the somethings they've been meaning to do with their lives.
For me, an episode of mania has the same effect. Each episode of mania brings on the feeling of how much I can do to better myself and change. I get amazing ideas of how to do all these things, and I make all sorts of plans and goals. I may even start doing them, and then I come down off my high, perhaps down into depression. All my wonderful ideas of great things I can accomplish go out the window.
When you go from feeling like you could do absolutely anything you set your mind to into a state of not being able to make it out of bed, it's so hard to keep up with the grandiose ideas and goals I get, many of which are really good goals and plans.
This new year I begin the traditional time of fresh starts with having not been able to keep my first job out of college, having developed a serious neurological condition related to the long term use of one of my psychiatric medications, major mood swings due to the discontinuation of a medication that worked for me and adding in a medication that is very much not working, a completely screwed up sleep cycle, and complete uncertainty as to where my life is headed.
I want to do better, to be better, to be healthier, to be more fit, but it's hard when I can't sleep or keep my life on any kind of regular schedule. I'm cooking dinner for my husband and it being my breakfast. I'm spending my nights quietly cleaning or baking because I often cannot sit for more than two or three minutes at a time because I'm so manic. When I am able to sit down, I can't get my brain to slow down enough that I am able to read, so I end up knitting and knitting and knitting until my hands are cramping, watching an entire movie series in one night because I can't stop once I've started.
I find myself sitting in my recliner, rocking myself back and forth, hitting myself on both sides of my head because my sanity is fracturing and I think maybe I can push it back together if I push hard enough.
I find myself wanting to call people or visit people that live 2,000 miles away because I think I'm still living in the Midwest.
I find myself suddenly realizing I haven't showered in 3 days because I just didn't think about it.
I find myself seeing and hearing things that aren't there.
I find myself wondering if I can ever have a life that is remotely normal.
It's hard not to lose hope even when I'm not depressed. It's hard not to feel like things will never be the way I want my life to be.
It's hard to think of the new year as a new beginning when so many of my new beginnings end within weeks because depressed Katie can't keep up with manic Katie's ideas and goals.
New Year's is a time to have a new beginning, and it's hard to make changes no matter who you are. But when my own brain sabotages me, new beginnings feel impossible.
For me, an episode of mania has the same effect. Each episode of mania brings on the feeling of how much I can do to better myself and change. I get amazing ideas of how to do all these things, and I make all sorts of plans and goals. I may even start doing them, and then I come down off my high, perhaps down into depression. All my wonderful ideas of great things I can accomplish go out the window.
When you go from feeling like you could do absolutely anything you set your mind to into a state of not being able to make it out of bed, it's so hard to keep up with the grandiose ideas and goals I get, many of which are really good goals and plans.
This new year I begin the traditional time of fresh starts with having not been able to keep my first job out of college, having developed a serious neurological condition related to the long term use of one of my psychiatric medications, major mood swings due to the discontinuation of a medication that worked for me and adding in a medication that is very much not working, a completely screwed up sleep cycle, and complete uncertainty as to where my life is headed.
I want to do better, to be better, to be healthier, to be more fit, but it's hard when I can't sleep or keep my life on any kind of regular schedule. I'm cooking dinner for my husband and it being my breakfast. I'm spending my nights quietly cleaning or baking because I often cannot sit for more than two or three minutes at a time because I'm so manic. When I am able to sit down, I can't get my brain to slow down enough that I am able to read, so I end up knitting and knitting and knitting until my hands are cramping, watching an entire movie series in one night because I can't stop once I've started.
I find myself sitting in my recliner, rocking myself back and forth, hitting myself on both sides of my head because my sanity is fracturing and I think maybe I can push it back together if I push hard enough.
I find myself wanting to call people or visit people that live 2,000 miles away because I think I'm still living in the Midwest.
I find myself suddenly realizing I haven't showered in 3 days because I just didn't think about it.
I find myself seeing and hearing things that aren't there.
I find myself wondering if I can ever have a life that is remotely normal.
It's hard not to lose hope even when I'm not depressed. It's hard not to feel like things will never be the way I want my life to be.
It's hard to think of the new year as a new beginning when so many of my new beginnings end within weeks because depressed Katie can't keep up with manic Katie's ideas and goals.
New Year's is a time to have a new beginning, and it's hard to make changes no matter who you are. But when my own brain sabotages me, new beginnings feel impossible.
Photo credit: "Man Crouched and Holding His Face" by Tuomas_Lehtinen
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