From Darkened Rooms

The last month has been difficult.

I've been suffering from a blinding headache with migraine-like symptoms. Light sensitivity, occasional sound sensitivity, intense pain, and nausea. Not only is the headache a nightmare, but the sheer length of time has been horrific.

Today marks twenty-nine days of pain.

I've spent the last four weeks hiding in dark rooms, sleeping during the day so I can reserve the darkness to ease my head, and spending hours each day in the bath in our windowless bathroom lit only by a few candles. I've tried taking Excedrin with no effect, and ice on my head and neck does very little.

Much of the time I'm unable to use the computer because the screen is too bright, though decreasing the brightness has helped some. I haven't been able to do much writing, no critiquing, little contact with friends through email or social media, few phone conversations, and relative isolation in my own home.

I've seen my doctor a couple of times. The first time was virtual, and he prescribed a medication for me that did nothing. Then I went into the office, which was torture in the brightness. I spent the car ride blindfolded and wore dark sunglasses otherwise, and it was still excruciating. They gave me a shot of pain medication and a prescription for the same medication in pill form. That did nothing. The next day, my pain got so intense that we went to the emergency room. Two rounds of intravenous pain medication, a bag of IV fluids, and a strange treatment involving novocain on long Q-Tips up my nose happened over the course of six hours, and I left the hospital in as much pain as when I arrived. The next day, my doctor prescribed another medication that temporarily decreased my light sensitivity before it stopped working. 

Now, I have an appointment for an MRI in a week. I'm still in pain, still isolated, still in the dark. Confused, worried, and scared. I want a fixable reason for my headache, but I'm not sure I want a diagnosis made from something they found on an image of my brain. I'd like to get in to see a neurologist, but I'm not sure what further steps need to be taken with my PCP before I get that referral.

My anxiety has been working overtime, and between trying to sleep during the day, worry over my condition, and the pain levels, my sleep has been erratic, and I'm lucky to get a full night. I've been taking my melatonin tablets to make sure I get back to sleep after I wake too early. Earlier this week, I took melatonin three times and only got seven hours of sleep. My anxiety keeps jumping to the worst possible scenario every time my pain spikes or while I'm trying to go to sleep. It gets on a repeated loop of "oh God, what if it's an inoperable brain tumor?" While I've got that cycling through my head, it's hard to do anything but attempt to calm my panic, and that hasn't been easy.

The bright spots in my life have been my husband and cat. The cat is constantly cuddling up to me while I sit in a darkened bedroom, and my husband has been finding ways to actively make my life easier, like his purchase of large-lensed sunglasses that I wear when I have to walk into rooms without dark curtains drawn. He's done his best to make our apartment as dark as possible, and he makes me laugh, easing my stress levels and anxiety.

Ever since this started, I've been spending most of my time reading on my phone. I use an app that connects to my library, Libby, through which I can access my public library's catalog of e-books, magazines, and audiobooks. The app has a setting to make the reading screen black with gray letters so it emits little light, so I've been devouring books. Usually one a day, sometimes two.

Over the last four weeks, I've read over forty books. I've slowly increased the number of book reviews I post per week, and starting next week I'll be up to four. Even with that increase from my normal two per week, I have posts scheduled out into June. I've discovered some fantastic books, read some awful ones, consumed an entire series on a few occasions, and expanded the variety of books I read through more subgenres of romance. Historical romance including Scottish historicals, category romance, erotic romance, paranormal romance, fantasy romance, and romantic comedy. Cowboys, Highlanders, French aristocracy, vampires, shifters, rock stars, bikers, Dominants, billionaire businessmen, warriors, writers, police, lawyers, gymnasts, FBI agents, gay men, straight men, bisexual men, and a wide variety of women, most of whom are strong and resilient and more than a few survivors of tragedy, abuse, assault, and violence. I prefer to read a series over stand-alone books, and my library has plenty of offerings.

Over the last month, I've also gotten a lot of ideas for writing during the times where I'm so light sensitive all I can do is lay in bed with a folded towel covering my eyes. I jot them down when I can and wait for the headache to abate so I can expand on these ideas. After struggling for scraps for months, it's just my luck that while I can barely tolerate the light from the computer is when I start getting ideas.

I'm tired of the pain and hiding in the dark. Hopefully, I'll get some answers soon and can get rid of the pain or find a way to treat it so I can actually live again.

Nature sounds are always comforting to me, so here's a video from my favorite nature video channel The Silent Watcher.

Photo Credit nuttakit via freedigitalphotos.net