The Manic Panic

Bipolar disorder is characterized by highs and lows, mania and depression. Mania is not simply elevated mood just as depression is not simply sadness.

For the first twelve or so years after my diagnosis, my primary struggle was depression, though I did experience mania quite regularly. For the last five or six years, my main struggle has been mania. I shoot into mania at the drop of a hat and have a hard time coming down. As the sufferer, I have to pay close attention to my body in order to decipher the signs that I'm in mania, because usually the sufferer has no idea they're manic, which is part of what makes mania so dangerous.

As time has gone by, I've learned more of the signs of mania in me and am able to notice them more. For instance, my number one signs is disturbed sleep, increasing to the point of going entire nights without sleep, especially when it happens more than once close together. I also sweat profusely, smell different to myself, have a much lower appetite, and get an intense hyper-focus. That hyper-focus is usually on one specific type of task, like writing, watching YouTube videos (often a single type like reaction or commentary videos), reading, or blogging. To give you an idea, I'll write for thirty hours straight with only breaks to use the bathroom or eat a sandwich, schedule out blog posts two months in advance, or spend hours watching video after video of people reacting to a single song for hours. Last time I did that, I spent five hours watching people react to Chris Stapleton's "Tennessee Whiskey."

Over the course of the last eighteen hours, I've read two entire books. I'm having to struggle to not pick up another one, but I probably will once I finish this post. I haven't showered in two days, I'm sweating like a pig, I smell strange (not a BO stench), and I haven't slept in thirty hours as of the time I'm writing this. I've also only eaten a sandwich and two boiled potatoes in the last eighteen hours--and I'm not hungry.

That's clear mania. The thing I need most is sleep, however the melatonin I take to help me sleep on a normal night won't work when I'm this manic. It's like I've taken a sugar pill. I have to "crash." Basically, I feel like I hit a brick wall and am so exhausted I often stumble as I try to walk. I need to go to bed right then, and I'll sleep for ten to fifteen hours. When I wake up, it's usually a lot better. I'm calmer and thinking more clearly. Unfortunately, I can get several smaller crashes before I get a large crash out of mania into either a stable mood or depression.

Unfortunately, it's often only in the upper reaches of mania that I can spot it. When it's more minor, I won't see it at all, though others around me may.

Only way out of mania is to wait it out or contact my doctor for a medication adjustment. My doctor is on maternity leave at the moment, and I don't want to call the clinic unless it's dire because of it. Hopefully, it'll work out on its own, but since these phases can go on for months at a time, it may or may not pass quickly.

Many people with bipolar disorder love the mania. They love the high, the drive it gives them. I hate it. I'd almost rather be depressed.

Here's to hoping this one doesn't last long.

Photo Credit Nenetus via freedigitalphotos.net