Happiness Is Not A Choice

I have always hated the saying "Happiness is a choice" because it's not. When you have mental health struggles, you cannot simply say to yourself, "I will be happy from now on."

That does not work. In fact, it will do more harm than good. 

It's called toxic positivity.

However, the approach a person takes to life, the way they choose to look at the world, can lead to happiness. I'm not talking about optimism versus pessimism.

If someone chooses to make the effort to live life in a manner that is filled with searching for ways to improve, for ways to heal, for ways to positively affect oneself and others, that can lead to fulfillment and happiness.

Even if the glass is half empty, perhaps making the glass a favorite color is an improvement.

Photo by Aleksi Bakulin

I have chosen, over the last year and a half, to live my life with intention and always strive to seek ways to improve my circumstances—mental health, home environment, relationships, physical health—and it has made a big difference.

The biggest example is the very fact that I sought out therapists to help me work through my trauma. I held on to a comment from a therapist about the possibility of my abuser having a dark personality. I'd seen enough true crime documentaries to have a vague familiarity with the term. I then took the initiative to research what that meant. Unfortunately, through my research and sessions with therapists, I have come to the realization that my abuser exhibited behaviors in line with the dark tetrad personality type. To be clear, this is not a diagnosis; it is an observation of behavior that aligns with known patterns.

The dark triad and dark tetrad are known colloquially as the serial killer personality types, which is terrifying, knowing that one of my parents seems to be a dark tetrad.

• Dark Triad: narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy
• Dark Tetrad: narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy, and sadism

As terrifying as that realization was, the initiative I took in doing the work in figuring this out led to a general familial understanding of who abused my mother, my sister, and me. It led all of us to understand it was never about us. It was about having convenient victims because he's ultimately lazy. As long as he had victims, he was pleased with life. He chose my mother, who was a perfect victim because of her personality and upbringing, to trap in a marriage where he could do what he liked. Then, when they had children, he had more victims.

The only piece that was ever about us as individuals was the way he tailored the sadistic abuse. Other than that, it had nothing to do with us.

That led to the most important breakthrough I've had. Ever.

It wasn't my fault.

You can be told something over and over until therapists and loved ones are blue in the face, but there is a difference between knowing and understanding. This was finally understanding to my core that it wasn't my fault.

This breakthrough happened because, in my decision to live my life intentionally seeking to improve my circumstances, I made the effort to do the work outside of therapy sessions to understand my situation and how to heal. In taking the information to therapy, I was able to gain clarification and help in processing.

Seeking ways to improve my life has led to interesting ways to learn new things and new subjects that I don't know about. That's a subject for another time.

Constantly seeking ways to improve one's situation in life, be it money, relationships, career, living situation, or passions, leads directly to fulfillment, which leads to happiness.

So, happiness is not a choice, but seeking to consistently improve one's circumstances can lead to a happy, fulfilled life.