The Manic Panic Part Two

Just over a month ago, I wrote about being manic. Well, I'm still manic.

The more days pass, the more my sleep is disturbed. I keep having periods where I'm awake 30-40 hours or I wake up after 4-6 hours of sleep and can't sleep any more. Melatonin can only help so much when I'm manic, and sometimes it doesn't work at all.

The longer this goes on, the more anxious I am and the more stressed out I get. It's difficult to be confident in my decision-making skills because mania comes with impulsivity and I worry that I'm making an impulsive decision I'll regret.

The one bright spot is that my creativity has been high, and I've finished quite a bit of my manuscript in the last couple of weeks. It's been lovely. I'm also getting ideas for the next novel. A lot of ideas. I've been bouncing between writing new chapters of my current manuscript and jotting down notes for the next book. I'd prefer to work on one novel in the series at a time, though. It's like working on step four while also being overwhelmed with planning how you'll operate at step fifteen. It's a lot at once. A creative high like this is the only good thing about mania, the only thing I've ever liked. However, I'd rather not have the mania and have the ideas come slower.

There are so many nuances to living with this disorder that can't be explained, only lived. And they're different for each person. I know how my body reacts, but the person next to me may react differently. I can't help but be frustrated by my need to adjust everything to make sure I don't send myself spiraling into mania.

I did figure out what the culprit was for this manic episode: my multivitamin. B vitamins send me manic, and there was several times the daily recommended dose of both B₆ and B₁₂ in my multivitamin. At least I know what caused it and can prevent it from getting worse or continuing indefinitely, but stopping the vitamin doesn't automatically equal a drop out of mania. I wish that were the case. It would make the whole thing much easier.

Now it's the waiting game—wait for either the big crash out of mania or my doctor to get back from maternity leave in two and a half months.

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