Destruction By Insomnia

As November fades into December, and the Fall Quarter at college ends, I feel as though my life has faded with it. My days blend into one another, and sometimes I can't remember what month it is.

I never thought that sleep has this much of an impact on anyone's life. I am lucky to remember that I have an assignment due, but I can't remember much else.

I have always had a bad short term memory, but this is extreme. Almost every day I have to ask my husband what day it is. On Wednesday I asked him whether or not I had class that day and if I had gone to class if needed. I only have class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. On Tuesday I found that I could not remember whether we just had Thanksgiving or Christmas, and it took me almost an hour to figure it out.

I live in an almost constant state of confusion as to what is happening in my life. I have a planner that I keep detailed notes in multiple colors about what is happening each day. It includes a to-do list, a list of assignments due that day, any tests or quizzes, any appointments, and due dates for bills. I keep it open on my desk at all times, at home or at school, and study it constantly. That planner is the only reason I still get things done, and I still have to ask what day it is and whether or not I have school. Despite this I have maintained stellar grades, all above 99% (4.0), because I can turn in assignments online 24 hours a day. I'm often only awake and productive between 10 p.m. and 5 a.m.

I'm getting nervous about the long-term effects this insomnia has caused. I have purple circles under my eyes that won't go away. I am going grey and getting wrinkles. I rarely bathe because I don't remember to. I often feel ill out of lack of sleep. My appetite roller-coasters up and down. My internal clock doesn't even work anymore. I often can't remember if I've eaten certain meals, like dinner or breakfast. I exist on coffee and tea. I rarely drink anything else, though I do drink it decaffeinated beginning a few hours before I hope to sleep. I hallucinate periodically throughout the day: flashing lights, shadows, or movement out of the corner of my eye when there's nothing there to be moving.

I understand why some of the worst forms of torture are performed with the destruction of sleep-wake cycles.

This insomnia has destroyed any sense of normalcy in my life, and is severely affecting my husband's as well. Nothing that my doctor, old wives' tales, or I can come up with has worked. I'm at the end of my rope, and it's a long way to fall.

Photo credit: "Coffee Cup and Coffee Beans" by Witthaya Phonsawat