The Chains of Bipolar Disorder
Back in 2007, in one of my various inpatient psych ward hospital stays, a chaplain ran a group therapy session that really hit home for me. She played us two songs by Natasha Bedingfield, off of her album Unwritten.
After listening to these songs, I realized, for the first time, that I'd made myself a slave to my mental illness. My identity was Bipolar, not Katherine. I realized then, for the first time, that I didn't have to be Bipolar. I could be anything I wanted. I could be Katherine the Great, known for anything I wanted to be known for.
I wish I could say that I thrust away the chains of the Bipolar identity and became my own person. Sadly, I have been trying to shake off those chains ever since. It's not an instant put-on-my-big-girl-panties kind of thing. It's a process, a goal, a vision.
But this is what I have come up with so far.
My name is Katherine, and I am a wife, friend, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, aunt, pet parent, and student. I'm good at knitting, crocheting, baking, cooking, and serving my loved ones as they need. I'm a good student, and a good wife. I'm loved by many people, even when I don't always love myself. I'm a strong person, even tenacious at times.
I also have bipolar disorder, PTSD, and panic disorder. Sometimes they're overwhelming, and to add anything else to the burden can be more than I think I can bear. But you never know how strong you are until you have no other choice. I'm here, alive and kicking, despite everything that I've gone through.
I'm not dead yet.
After listening to these songs, I realized, for the first time, that I'd made myself a slave to my mental illness. My identity was Bipolar, not Katherine. I realized then, for the first time, that I didn't have to be Bipolar. I could be anything I wanted. I could be Katherine the Great, known for anything I wanted to be known for.
I wish I could say that I thrust away the chains of the Bipolar identity and became my own person. Sadly, I have been trying to shake off those chains ever since. It's not an instant put-on-my-big-girl-panties kind of thing. It's a process, a goal, a vision.
But this is what I have come up with so far.
My name is Katherine, and I am a wife, friend, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, aunt, pet parent, and student. I'm good at knitting, crocheting, baking, cooking, and serving my loved ones as they need. I'm a good student, and a good wife. I'm loved by many people, even when I don't always love myself. I'm a strong person, even tenacious at times.
I also have bipolar disorder, PTSD, and panic disorder. Sometimes they're overwhelming, and to add anything else to the burden can be more than I think I can bear. But you never know how strong you are until you have no other choice. I'm here, alive and kicking, despite everything that I've gone through.
I'm not dead yet.
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