Stuck In Mania
Many people with bipolar disorder love mania. I hate it, and I'm being reminded just how much I hate it.
For the last few weeks, I've been cycling pretty heavily, with one crash into a depressive episode, then right back up into mania.
Most people don't realize they're manic, and when I'm in mania (as opposed to hypomania) I often don't recognize it. I just feel good. But I've been hypomanic, which doesn't feel good. I have trouble focusing and my thoughts get jumbled. My sleep cycle gets wacky with nights where I get zero sleep and nights where I sleep for fifteen hours.
Mania is the hardest part of bipolar disorder for people to understand. It's not feeling happy as opposed to the sadness that comes with depression. There is a euphoria that comes with mania where we just feel really good. We're confident in all our ideas and sure that everything is going to work out right even if the idea is sure to wind up in disaster as seen by everyone else, but we won't listen to people trying to warn us because we're confident and assured that we've got an amazing idea.
People who are manic do wild things, like move, change jobs or careers, go back to school, take vacations, spend large amounts of money, drink heavily or take drugs, have a lot of risky sex, have affairs, end relationships, start new relationships, get married, make life-changing decisions on a whim, and many other risk-taking behaviors. Mania can be dangerous and often the only way to end the episode is to just wait it out.
Episodes can last weeks to months for both mania and depression, and so much can happen in even a few weeks. I once quit a job and enrolled at a university in a manic episode. When I crashed and the depression kicked in, I couldn't even finish the first semester and dropped out. I wound up trying to kill myself soon after finals.
Fortunately that's the biggest decision I've made in a manic episode, and I don't engage in any risk-taking behaviors. Thank goodness. Compared to a lot of people with bipolar disorder, mine isn't that bad, though it's still pretty hellish.
My mania has calmed somewhat and I'm able to think and concentrate. It's been better for a couple of days, which is awesome. I've been sleeping a lot, which isn't entirely surprising because I didn't sleep much for quite a while.
The one thing I've been doing is wanting to start a new project. The new project I really want to start I actually can't because I don't have the material to do it with. I want to post something new on Scribophile, but I don't have anything ready to post. I'm currently working on a deep edit on a book I'm hoping to publish with a group I'm part of. We work on one chapter a week. A few months ago, I was posting something in addition to that deep edit and I was a little overwhelmed so I might regret it if I started posting something now, but I really, really want to. Dang it. Maybe it's better I don't have anything to post, but I'm still disappointed.
Mania sucks, but it brings out my creativity in a major way. I can't see my doctor until a couple of days after Christmas and I'm almost done with a manuscript, so maybe I'll finish it in my mania. That would be nice. I've been working hard on it, so I'm hoping I'll be able to finish it soon.
I hate the mania, but hopefully I'll be able to use it to my advantage. I just hope I don't drop into a major depressive episode before I see my doctor.
For the last few weeks, I've been cycling pretty heavily, with one crash into a depressive episode, then right back up into mania.
Most people don't realize they're manic, and when I'm in mania (as opposed to hypomania) I often don't recognize it. I just feel good. But I've been hypomanic, which doesn't feel good. I have trouble focusing and my thoughts get jumbled. My sleep cycle gets wacky with nights where I get zero sleep and nights where I sleep for fifteen hours.
Mania is the hardest part of bipolar disorder for people to understand. It's not feeling happy as opposed to the sadness that comes with depression. There is a euphoria that comes with mania where we just feel really good. We're confident in all our ideas and sure that everything is going to work out right even if the idea is sure to wind up in disaster as seen by everyone else, but we won't listen to people trying to warn us because we're confident and assured that we've got an amazing idea.
People who are manic do wild things, like move, change jobs or careers, go back to school, take vacations, spend large amounts of money, drink heavily or take drugs, have a lot of risky sex, have affairs, end relationships, start new relationships, get married, make life-changing decisions on a whim, and many other risk-taking behaviors. Mania can be dangerous and often the only way to end the episode is to just wait it out.
Episodes can last weeks to months for both mania and depression, and so much can happen in even a few weeks. I once quit a job and enrolled at a university in a manic episode. When I crashed and the depression kicked in, I couldn't even finish the first semester and dropped out. I wound up trying to kill myself soon after finals.
Fortunately that's the biggest decision I've made in a manic episode, and I don't engage in any risk-taking behaviors. Thank goodness. Compared to a lot of people with bipolar disorder, mine isn't that bad, though it's still pretty hellish.
My mania has calmed somewhat and I'm able to think and concentrate. It's been better for a couple of days, which is awesome. I've been sleeping a lot, which isn't entirely surprising because I didn't sleep much for quite a while.
The one thing I've been doing is wanting to start a new project. The new project I really want to start I actually can't because I don't have the material to do it with. I want to post something new on Scribophile, but I don't have anything ready to post. I'm currently working on a deep edit on a book I'm hoping to publish with a group I'm part of. We work on one chapter a week. A few months ago, I was posting something in addition to that deep edit and I was a little overwhelmed so I might regret it if I started posting something now, but I really, really want to. Dang it. Maybe it's better I don't have anything to post, but I'm still disappointed.
Mania sucks, but it brings out my creativity in a major way. I can't see my doctor until a couple of days after Christmas and I'm almost done with a manuscript, so maybe I'll finish it in my mania. That would be nice. I've been working hard on it, so I'm hoping I'll be able to finish it soon.
I hate the mania, but hopefully I'll be able to use it to my advantage. I just hope I don't drop into a major depressive episode before I see my doctor.
Photo Credit: hyena reality via FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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