The Nightmare of Erratic Sleep

I am struggling with my sleep and mental health in general. My sleep schedule has pretty much been to sleep whenever I'm tired for as long as my body will sleep.

I'm not sure why I'm struggling to this extent, but it's been difficult and quite stressful for me. For the last month, I've been trying to adhere to a sleep schedule where I go to sleep at ten p.m. and get up at six-thirty a.m., which is difficult because going to sleep anywhere from about nine p.m. to two a.m. creates a lot of anxiety due to the trauma behind my PTSD.

The abuse I suffered occurred on a nightly basis often between those times for about a year. Because of that, trying to go to sleep during that time is very stressful, but I prefer to get up early in the morning, between six and eight a.m., the closer to six o'clock the better. It leaves me plenty of time to do my morning routine and then, if my health permits, do my chores for the day.

But with my sleep so erratic, that's been very difficult. I might manage for a few days in a row, then my sleep goes crazy again. I keep trying, but I can only follow what my body orders. Often, whether I am able to get to sleep at ten depends on my ability to stick to my bedtime routine. However, that includes a soak in the tub to relax me, and I don't always have the strength to get in and out on my own. By the time I'm getting out of the tub, my husband is asleep for the night, and he's the only one available to help me. The last hour of my routine (including the bath, my bedtime routine is two-and-a-half hours) is helpful, but only to an extent. Sometimes, just using that last hour of my routine doesn't work.

For my routine, I get in the bath at seven-thirty, read until eight-thirty, wash (I prefer washing in the bath to a shower except for my hair), get out of the bath, moisturize, and dress. That usually brings me to about nine o'clock. At that time, I take my medication and start a cup of Sleepytime tea (made by Celestial Seasonings, and they have a whole line of Sleepytime teas) that steeps for ten minutes. During that time, I brush my teeth and set up a queue on YouTube of relaxing music and the video I'll run while I sleep. I need some sort of sound the whole time I'm sleeping or I don't sleep well. Once the tea is ready, I turn on the relaxing music and read while I drink my tea. When I do this whole routine, often I'm getting sleepy around ten o'clock, and then I turn out the light, take my melatonin supplement, turn on the track of either relaxing music or nature sounds to play all night, and wait. The melatonin usually knocks me out within about five to ten minutes. If I'm not sleepy, it doesn't always work. If my anxiety is too high, it doesn't always work. If I'm manic, it doesn't work at all. So, it can be a gamble, but I always hope.

Photo Credit: Elizabeth Lies

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in three weeks to evaluate my diagnoses—we'll do an ADHD evaluation, hopefully give me an official diagnosis of functional neurological disorder, and if that's the case, we'll examine my existing diagnoses with the results of my ADHD test and see if my diagnoses of bipolar I and PTSD are correct. I'm positive the PTSD diagnosis is correct, but the bipolar diagnosis might be incorrect. We'll see what my provider says.

With the correct medication for my diagnoses after the completion of this evaluation, I'm hoping my sleep will improve.

It's so frustrating to know that my diagnoses for the last twenty years might be incorrect. They may have remained incorrect if I had not developed this sudden weakness and paralysis episodes six months ago, and if I had not randomly seen shorts on YouTube from women talking about their experience with ADHD that I realized I identified with. Blessings come from strange places sometimes.

Here's to hoping my diagnoses will be correct in three weeks!