Celebration
Well, it's Halloween, and tomorrow is my birthday.
Halloween is my husband's favorite holiday. Unfortunately, it's also my abuser's favorite holiday. For several years, I couldn't bear to have anything to do with the holiday. But I'm now taking it back and making it mine. Making the decorations helped, though I mostly did it for my husband because we had so few decorations for his favorite holiday.
Our apartment is filled with cute Halloween decorations, and for first time in years I've enjoyed the buildup to the holiday. I wanted to make an orange mask with a jack-o'-lantern mouth and nose and a black mask with a cat face, but I never got around to making them. Hopefully, I won't need them next year.
The one downside is we don't get trick-or-treaters here, so I don't get to hand out candy. That's the only thing I'd like but don't have.
My birthday comes with little celebration. My favorite dessert is cheesecake, so I always get one instead of birthday cake. We don't generally do the whole candles and birthday song thing. I don't usually have gifts to open either.
Gifts take the form of birthday money to spend how I'd like, so this weekend may include a shopping trip. I definitely have things I want and hope I can get.
My birthday also brings me ever closer to forty years old, and as someone who is desperate for children, another year older means more risk during pregnancy. Unfortunately, our circumstances don't offer the ability to care for a child. We can barely feed ourselves now, so adding in a child would be stupid of us. We wouldn't be able to care for all of us.
Logic doesn't quell the ache of my biological clock, and every once in a while, it ticks too loudly to ignore. When that happens, I always drop into depression because I'm afraid I will never be able to have a child. I may have the fate of only having fur babies. I've accepted the possibility, but the thought of that being the case makes my heart ache.
When the biological clock ticks, it's an ache and emptiness. It feels like a piece of me is missing, and no matter what I do, the emptiness doesn't fade. The only thing that will quiet it is a baby of my own. It seems to tick the loudest around my birthday.
But I must continue to live the life I have now and not lose myself in dreams of the life I wish I had.
Happy Halloween to you all, and a happy birthday to me. Enjoy the holiday however you'll spend it.
Photo Credit:
"Halloween Jack-o'-Lantern Bucket with Dried Rose" by Kitsada
"Birthday Cake" by tiverylucky
"Pumpkin" by Graphics Mouse
via freedigitalphotos.net
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